Monday, February 02, 2004

Straight off the bat, Shadi's a god. Thanks, m'lad.

Second off the bat, I have to say that our school's 2004 Valedictorian - a misfortunate lad I've nicknamed "Weasley" both in parody of his true last name and on account of his rodental visage - is the most dull person I've ever had the pleasure (?) of meeting. He's humorless, austere, asensual, and highly religious. In short, my experience deems him colder and flatter than last night’s espresso. Even thusly blessed by the might of his ostensible brilliance, I sincerely doubt that he's ever had an original thought in his life - you know, one that didn't come out of a textbook.

Today I stopped by 6th period English to drop off a few invitations to my Valentines Day party. Once the flyers had all found proper recipients, I still had a spare sheet remaining. "Weasley!" I called to him in a jovial tone, "how about a party next Friday, eh? Remember last time when you put the lampshade on your head? You got so wasted! By the way, did you ever find your pants?" "WHAT?!! he shrieked. Despite my obvious facetious ribbing, the lad blanched in shock. Pants? Wasted? Me? his expression seemed to say. This taciturn perplexity lasted for a full five seconds before he sat down in a huff, his Anglo-Saxon pallor colouring up like a rose in June.

Some people just can't take a joke.

Wait, gentle readers . . . I feel a prediction coming on! Yes, yes . . . it's all clear to me now . . . I am receiving a psychic impression of our valedictorian's future! His fate lies within my sight!

After high school, Mr. Weasley shall trundle-off to MIT where he'll learn life skills such as macroastrohomophysics, lording over the slave class, and microwaving ramen noodles. He will not age as he grows older, but instead merely dry out like a clove-studded apple. Eventually, his mother, with the help of her sewing circle and charity club, will select for him a proper wife. Nine months later to the day, she will bear a little Weasley baby - thanks to Immaculate Conception. Yes, folks, he's that Catholic.

Whew! Man, I bet everyone wishes they were as perfect as I!

shiny objects