Friday, July 28, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
or
Eat My Roll
During a routine internet search (don't even ask which keywords I used) I stumbled across a directory of Escorts in the U.K. One lady's website in particular sticks in my memory. For your pleasure, an excerpt from www.debbiedoesoral.com -
My specialties include "The massage that goes too far", "Who's the teacher to day (you or me?)", "Bossy bitch", "Auntie, what's that?" and anything with me wearing my pantyhose.
I can just picture some red-faced British buisness man, in an attempt to recapture those tender naptime rub-downs in the nursery, adopting an oversize school uniform and strained falsetto and sitting down on the old bird's lap. We humans are very strange beasts.
Not that my tastes are any less comic, mind you, though I'd much rather go for a round of "Bad kitties get the rolled-up newspaper!" With me as the newspaper.
Speaking of rolled . . . .
(makes 8)
You'll need:
- 12 dried rice wrappers (look in the international section)
- 6oz of firm - not silken - tofu
- 1 c of bean sprouts
- a bundle of fresh cilantro
- 4oz of dry rice stick noodles
- 2 cloves of garlic
- dried Thai or Chinese chili peppers, whole
- Blended sesame oil
- a can of beer
- rice vinegar
- soy sauce
Slice tofu into 1/2" thick slabs. Pat dry with paper towels as much as possible. Put tofu in large ziploc bag with enough beer to cover the pieces. Add about 1tbsp of soy sauce, 1 tsp of sesame oil, and a little splash of vinegar. Allow to marinate in fridge 20 min to 1 hour. Pan fry tofu slabs with whole garlic cloves and whole peppers, occasionally pouring a little of the marinade mixture over them. Cook until deep golden brown on each side. Set aside to cool. When cool, slice tofu into pencil thin strips, divide into 8 piles.
Soak rice noodles in hot water (not boiling) 3-5 minutes, until al dente. Drain, rinse with cold water, drain again. Pat noodles dry with paper towels. Divide into 8 piles and set aside.
Rinse bean sprouts and pat dry. Break into smaller pieces if desired. Divide into 8 piles and set aside.
Rinse cilantro. De-stem and coarsely chop about 1/4c leaves. Set aside.
Fill bowl large enough to hold rice wrappers with cool water. Drop the wrappers into the water one by one, making sure each one is covered in water before adding the next. Soak until clear and rubbery. Remove all skins at once and set on damp paper towel on plate. Cover with another damp towel.
Place one rice wrapper (gently!) on a spare plate, and recover remaining wrappers with damp paper towel. Lay some rice noodles in the center of the free wrapper (1/2 of one of the 8 piles), followed by 1 pile of sprouts, 1 pile of tofu, a pinch of cilantro, and the other half of the noodle pile. Wrap burrito style, folding 2 sides over, then rolling the bundle over until closed. Repeat with remaining wrappers and piles of filling. The extra wrappers are in case some of them rip or have a hole or something.
Serve with store bought peanut sauce, or make your own:
- half a cup of hoisin sauce
- 1 tsp of oil
- 2 cloves of garlic (finely chopped)
- 1 tbsp of white or rice vinegar
- 1 tbsp of water
- 1 tbsp of crunchy natural peanut butter
- 1 tsp of salt
- 1 tsp of sugar
- 1 tsp of corn starch
- chili sauce to taste
Combine hoisin sauce, peanut butter, vinegar, water, salt, sugar, corn starch, and chili sauce in a bowl. Mix them well. Put a sauce pan on medium heat for about 1 minute. Pour in 1 tsp of oil and chopped garlic. Sautee the garlic until it has a light golden color, then add the mixture. Stir constantly until the sauce comes to a boil. Remove from heat.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
But seriously. I was a dick on that one. I didn't mean it. That's just how I . . . well . . . act out. Yeah.
Fuck.
or
Schadenfreudeffects
Yes, I'm beating a dead horse (beating! Hah!) but studying for the pharmacy exam once again brought the side effects of viagra to my attention. Drum roll please:
Less common - abnormal vision, including blurred vision, seeing shades of colors differently than before, or sensitivity to light; bladder pain; cloudy or bloody urine; dizziness; increased frequency of urination; pain on urination
Rare - Bleeding of the eye; convulsions; decreased vision or other changes in vision; double vision; prolonged painful or ainappropriate erection of penis; redness, burninging, or swelling of the eye; vision loss, temporary
Other side effects may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. However, check with your doctor if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome:
More common - flushing; headache; nasal congestion; stomach discomfort following meals
Less common - diarrhea
Rare - abdominal pain; abnormal dreams; aches or pains of muscles; clumsiness or unsteadiness; cough; diarrhea or stomach cramps (severe or continuing); difficulty in slwallowing; ear pain; increased amount of saliva; increased skin sensitivity; lack of coordination; nausea; numbness or tingling of hands, legs, or feet; rectal bleeding; redness, soreness, or swelling or bleeding of gums; ringing or buzzing in ears; sensation of motion, usually whirling, either of one's self or of one's surroundings; sexual problems in men (continuing), including failure to experience a sexual orgasm; sleepiness; sores in mouth and on lips; tense muscles; tightness of chest or wheezing; trembling and shaking; trouble in sleeping; vomiting; waking to urinate at night; worsening of asthma
Artist's Rendering (NOTE: not safe for children)
So in short, you'll be able to get it up, but you won't be able to keep a woman near you long enough to do any good. Nice. The irony has worn thin since the drug's invention, but it's still good for a cheap laugh.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
or
Rock Rhymes With
In case you didn't know, gentle readers, I'm a biiiiiig fan of Placebo. You know. Brit post-punk, electronic influences, the world's most nasal lead singer EVER. That Placebo.
Much to my dismay, I am a maxed credit card away from becoming a stinking, rotten fangirl. Shoot me. I have all the albums, and I'm working on the singles. The Soulmates Never Die live DVD is sitting in my living room. Hell, I even thought about buying Velvet Goldmine, that pathetic waste of production budget, just because the Placebo lads make a cameo. It's sad. But I cannot deny my heart, especially when it comes to matters of the whining, faggy, mascara-wearing Brian Molko. Faggy in a good way.
I'd love to do unholy things to his pelvis. I guess the closest I'll ever come is the look-alike boytoy I dumped a few months ago:
Brian, left; Kay, right. Just don't say the wrong name in bed!
Top 5 Reasons why I like 'em:
5. MOLKO!
4. Their lyrics make heavy use of strict rhyme schemes, without sounding incipid and singsong. Example - "I'm unclean, a libertine/And every time you vent your spleen/I seem to lose the power of speech/You're slipping slowly from my reach/You grow me like an evergreen/You've never seen the love in me at all."
3. They're bipolar - agitated and ironic one song, self-pitying and malcontent the next. Fits my disposition just fine. Satisfaction? Who needs it?!
2. That voice! No one sounds like Brian Molko! Even if you like nasal tenors (as I do) he's an acquired taste. Distinctive is the word I'm looking for.
1. They've been together for 10 years. That's a lot of material! And they've progressed beautifully over the course of their 5 albums. Personally, I think Sleeping With Ghosts, their fourth venture, is their best work. It's truly artful and melodic. The lyrics are potent, the balance between electronic and punk styles, perfected. Meds is hit or miss. Too many forays into gritty electronic wastelands a la Garbage. Black Market Music and Without You I'm Nothing are emotional and seething, with great variation between tracks. Their self-titled first album is somewhat underdeveloped, but worth a listen for an understanding of Placebo's roots. Although it is, comparatively, an amateurish effort, one can't help but be dazzled by their immediate talent.
In other news, I'm currently holding an earring for ransom. It once belonged to Lars, lead singer of The Undoing Of David Wright. They're pretty weird, if I may say so, and well worth a listen. Sorta Neo-newave/experimental/screamo stuff. Very atonal.
I'ma gonna wear it to their show in Denton in September. Cause I'm cool like that.
So if your pal's throwing up a half-galon of Dreyer's neopolitan ice cream every afternoon, he's not to be laughed at. He's in desperate need of help.
Monday, July 10, 2006
or
Apoca-lapse
I have found a most delightful diversion, gentle readers. You simply must give it a go! Pandora is a superintelligent custom internet radio-stream generator. Thanks to the internet music genome project, you can type in your favorite musician or song, and the sexy little flash interface will devise a line-up tailored to your finicky tastes. Personally, I love free music more than raw salmon. And that's saying something.
It's an incredible time-sink. I created a Placebo radio station. Twenty artists I had never heard of pop up. Including . . . Billy Corgan? Whah? I hated Smashing Pumpkins. I knew he went solo but, huh. Wow. I actually like it. A lot. SHIT. I'm buying the CD. Rise, lather, repeat. There's a lot of territory out there, my dear.
***
In other news, I can't sleep again. Fuck. I'd been doing so well since I moved in with Zack, but the insomnia is back, in the form of nightmares. For the last 8 or 9 nights, I haven't been able to sleep more than 20 minutes at a time. I'm so tired that I fall into REM at a moment's notice. And when I do, I find myself in a private section of hell. Recurring themes include: rape (both organic and mechanical), surgical torture, accidental dismemberment of baby ducks and chickens, incest, abandonment (in a darkened space capsule without windows), cataclysmic celestial phenomena (such as the moon breaking out of its usual orbit around the earth and attaching itself to mars instead, thus disrupting the earth's rotation; humanity did not survive), imprisonment, strangulation, infestation with parasites, and the apocalypse. Cheery.
Can't sleep. So on edge. I'll put it this way - I'm so full of adrenaline that when I saw a red flicker on the wall from Zack's optical mouse, I jumped in my seat. I hope to fuck it gets better soon. Maybe if I took my rest in a tub of whiskey.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
or
He's Stuffed. Get It? Ho Ho!
Newlywedhoodism is no walk in the park, kids. It's hard work. I mean, sure I've been out of the house for the last two years; I know how to separate my whites and colors. I managed alone just fine! (That's right. No roomates. No one could stand me for very long. I'm serious.) However, since I got married, I've been sharing living space with someone else. Zack. Yeah. That guy.
Which translates to: no more living off of stolen bagels and Diet Red Bull. I have to appear normal and like, buy food. Shit.
So we go shopping. It's a team effort, as the following photographs will clearly demonstrate . . .
Zack describes the intricate courtship rituals of the giant Pacific cuttlefish
How refreshing! An opportunity to expand my culinary horizons!
"Hey honey, we'd better get some of this for those evenings when our schedules conflict."
So simple, even a child could use it!
Before we left, we rearranged some stuffed animals. See? He's giving the sheep the Heimlich maneuver!
I'm not sure whether or not we left with anything useful, but we sure had fun. And that's all that really counts. Until you're hungry.
