Thursday, September 28, 2006
or
Let Them Eat Cake
Certainly, gentle readers, you recall the rice cake ebay incident I wrote about a few weeks ago, as well as the "rice cake friendly" fake personals ad. Yes. Both Ebay and Craigslist removed my posts within mere hours of their inception. Well. I have only one thing to say.
or
"Congenital Facial Deformity"
Yet again, I've neglected you, gentle readers. But can you blame me? I'm in the middle of the longest, most pain-in-the-ass move of my life. Zack and I are still siphoning our worldly possessions from our respective pre-marital homes into our new Houstonian love nest.
In case I didn't mention it before, Zack and I are moving to a beautiful apartment on Kuykendahl and Ella blvd. We're like the fuckin' Jeffersons. This place has it all - 2 bed, 2.5 bath, living room, dining room, breakfast nook, wet bar, full kitchen, laundry room, and porch, all in a gated community with pools, hot tubs, fitness centers, and the most beautiful landscaping in town. Pictures to come! As if anyone cared!
For now, content yourself with the contents of my google search history. In my quest for self-discovery, I decided to read over it, and found it pretty amusing. My favorite entries have been bolded.
"betrayal of brotherhood" eq2
"betrayal of the brotherhood" eq2
"estate sale" -real houston
"Red Oak Uniforms & Medical Supply"
"scarlet sinclaire"
"what is a juggalo?" download
"worms 4" mayhem demo
307 area code
40,000 pills of ecstasy
501st FSB
60 grams to pennyweight
610 area code
77018 zip
77018 code
77018 zip code map
77018 zip code map houston
ADHD patch
ADHD patch hallucination
ADHD patch warning
adt employment
airborne formula
american dragon
anime mask
apartments houston
area code 817
art nouveau furniture
audio dictionayh
b&j 1960
band wallpaper
become a stripper
bj 1960
blue rubber bleb
boondocks episode downloads
brewery 1960 houston
brinks
burleson, tx
cardinal health
cardinal health houston
cardinal houston
carnivale
carnivale bittorrent
carnivale bittorrent "season one"
carnivale hbo bittorrent
carnivale season 1 2 bittorent
carnivale season 1 bittorrent
carnivale season 1 one bittorrent
carnivale season one bittorrent
certify value jewelry
cheap trix grand saint louis
cheap trix saint louis
cheech marin pussy clip
cheech marin pussy clip from dusk til dawn
cheech marin pussy clip from dusk til dawn -chet
cheech marin pussy from dusk till dawn
cheech pussy
childofmists
coca cola grand theft auto
congenital facial deformity
cover letter
desktop
diablo 2 downloads
diablo 2 downloads map
diablo 2 downloads map cheat
diablo 2 editor
diablo 2 horadric recipes
diablo 2 horadric recipes 1.11
diablo 2 item editor
diablo 2 item hack
diablo 2 monster shrine
diablo 2 sets
e-mule
enameled
escort service houston
escort service rate
facial deformity
facial deformity plastic surgery
fantasy houston plaza
fantasy plaza
fantasy plaza houston
fantasy plaza north houston
finch
first class mail
floppy tits
fort hood finance
french dictionary
from dusk till dawn soundtrack pussy
from dusk till dawn soundtrack pussy clip
garland, tx
generic bupropion
generic bupropion overdose
giant nipple
grand prairie, tx
grigori galtsin
grigori russian
grigori russian porn
gun store
gynecologist in houston
gynecologist northwest houston
hotel saint louis
hotels saint louis
houston domination dungeon
houston dominatrix
houston dungeon
houston strip clubs
houston zoo
how is it that "your breath smells like his ass"
how is it that your breath smells like his ass
how to find your ip address
how to write a resume
hydroponic mushrooms
iah airport
idlewild
imbecile moron
inflamitory breast cancer peau d'orange
informal appraisal
la quinta saint louis
latex mask anime
latex woman mask fetish
latex woman mask fetish anime
legends club houston
legends strip club houston
livesexlist.com
lost season 2
lost season 2 dvd
m-9 handgun price
mclaren f1
mclaren f1 price
movers killeen
movie starring andre from outkast
my chemical romance
naruto ultimate ninja
naruto wallpaper
norad
nutrition facts for sicillian lasagna pizza
papa johns
papa johns nutrition information
park trails appartment
peau d'orange
pei wei
periodic table of elements
pet shop boys
pet shop boys tour dates
pizza zone
poe
pregnancy breast skin texture
prn medical supply
prn medical supply red oak
q lazzerus
random number dice generator
Red Oak Uniforms and Medical Supply
reg rowe
reg rowe american airlines
remedies for coming down off of caffeine
saint louis botanical gardens
saint louis zoo
sarcophagus
SCRABBLE dictionary
security guard houston
security guard jobs houston
smart bomb
st louis city museum
steakhouse 1960 houston
strip club rating
stripper handbook
supersize me with whiskey
taking back sunday
talco, tx
ted nugent
texas land and cattle houston
the undoing of david wright
third eye blind
thourough
treasures houston
utena bittorrent english sub
vanderbilt apartments houston
wallpaper
wallpaper desketop
wellbutrin difference between generic
who wants to be a superhero
woodforest national bank
Wasn't that interesting, gentle readers? I highly recommend you hop on google and do the same. Especially on your big brother's laptop. Wouldn't THAT be fascinating. Posting said results to comments is encouraged.
Monday, September 18, 2006
or
What You Talkin' 'Bout, Archure?
The man, the musician, the ARCHURE. Actual photo. Note: meth addiction. Either that, or he removed his red-eye with Microsoft Paint.
On a recent google search regarding the specific IQ ranges that correspond to the terms "idiot," "moron," and "imbicile," I stumbled into one of the greatest asses of our century. Ladies and gentlereaders, I give you Will Chris Holly, a showroom photographer from Las Vegas. "I have studied 'Body Language' (a branch of psychology) for many years," he says, "and use it to enhance my customers image, their relations, their pride, and their memories."
To see what Mr. Holly can do for your image, check out this REAL CUSTOMER PHOTO:
"Seigfried and Roy" only lasts one night, but bad genes are forever.
He also calls himself "Archure." Although the lexical origins of "Archure" are unclear, Mr. Holly has taken the time to protect his intellectual property by acquiring a registered trademark.
But there is more to him than meets the eye! For starters, Archure has a "very high IQ," and he loves to tell you at every chance he gets. Pick a page, any page. Archure wants you to know that he's one of the chosen ones. He just can't let it go. He even lists his IQ as one of his professional credentials. You can find a full explanation of his genius here. I'm particularly fond of his fervent attempts to defend his low proctored IQ test scores in the face of his somewhat higher self-tested IQ scores. *Cough*
For those of you with an IQ lower than Archure's, I'll throw you a few excerpts:
My CTMM score is not an accurate estimate of my actual IQ, as I was became sick/ill during the testing. DETAILS: Mensa gave the Cattel B followed by the CTMM to a group of applicants (including me), I had been fasting for a day or two, but during the break, I was thirsty and hungry, they served Doughnuts and there was a Soda Machine (but no diet sodas). In short, I consumed so much sugar (after fasting, and typically avoiding sugar products), that I was having a high Glycemic reaction, with my arms and hands physically shaking, also, due to the large amount of liquids consumed (lots of water prior to the test, followed by 2 sodas during the break), I requested permission to use the restroom during the test, denied, and I was squirming. All of this hampered me greatly during the CTMM test, resulting on a drastically lower score (still far above average, in spite of all my suffering, squirming, and shaking from a Glycemic overload) . . .
PREVIOUS SCHOOL TESTS HAD ME IN THE 99% (top 1%), but those records are currently unobtainable . . .
My Mendocino High School Transcript lists me as IQ = 99 (which is the percentile, but due to a clerical error on their part, which I have never been able to rectify, the word "Percentile" is omitted from my transcript).
. . . I am obviously not a 99 IQ person. I obviously have a 99th percentile IQ.
.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO I.Q. TEST ME? That's FINE by me. You can have a qualified Psychologist test me, or a qualified Proctor test me, or you can save money and get some I.Q. tests from Book Stores (if they don't have them, they can order them), or you can pull IQ Tests off the Net (search engine). I.Q. Test me, I.Q. Test your staff, Test yourself. HIGH I.Q. PEOPLE DO BETTER SOLUTIONS.
But use an IQ TEST, as I.Q. is not a test of knowledge, a Math or English test will not do. Guessing as to how much coin change you have in your pocket is not an IQ test, not a test of Reasoning ability.
Also, his discussion of what "genius" really means:
I have a high 147 IQ, honor grad, honor society education (and I study on my own, past college), my abilities in the work place have for the most part been overlooked and unused.
Upon hearing of my high IQ, many have view it as a threat to their power (or potential power), often reacting with anger.
'GENIUS' also means 'an extraordinary ability in a specific field.' This usually being due to a high IQ to begin with, combined with a natural born talent in a specific field, with years of hard work, study, and effort applied. In my case, I am a 'Musical Genius'."
Are you now, Archure? Me thinks he protesteth too much. But as I always say, the proof is in the pablum. So why don't we have a look at his work, eh?
The moment I arrived at his main music page, I was accosted by "Moon in Pisces". Atonal electronica doesn't even begin to cover it. It sounds like someone fast forwarding a Pink Floyd CD. And not in a good way. Similarly, "Moon in Ares" , an example of Archure's Soul Rock Fusion, reminds me of the demos on the Casio keyboard I got for my birthday in '89, sans rhythm.
Lord only knows what Archure means by "Carribean" style music. If a native Caribbean ever listened to this faggoty romp through MIDI hell, he'd jump out the window of a highrise skyscraper and slit his throat with the broken glass on the way down.
And speaking of the Black Man, it's a good thing Jimi Hendrix is dead. This "tribute" makes me want to choke on my own vomit.
Which brings us to "Hang 11", the first vocal track of my listening set. For those of you who find yourselves too faint of stomach to stand the emotional torment of Archure's foray into Surf Rock, allow me to transcribe Archure's heart-wrenching lyrics:
Checking out the beach for bikini babes
Going out surfing - it's a brand new craze
Watch me ride on ten-foot waves
For you . . .
Want to make Archure's dischordant baying your own? He offers voice lessons for a hundred bucks a pop.
"Etherial," another vocal track, showcases Archure's unique ability to sour any, and every, word in the english language.
But honestly gentle readers, don't stop there. Archure has over a HUNDRED original mp3's and midis available for FREE on his website. And get this:
PERMISSION GRANTED to play Archure's songs from this page, on the air (TV or Radio), during 2006 and 2007, only if you include full credit info "Music written and performed by ARCHURE" clearly (so that most people can understand), AND include the proper spelling of "ARCHURE" (clearly); verbal credit must pronounce it "ARCHER" AND "spell it out" verbally A-R-C-H-U-R-E.
Don't worry Archure. No one would dare take credit for your music. You're too smart!
Still haven't had enough Archure? I know I haven't. Don't miss his monthly non-profit astrological forecasts. This month's forecast includes a sexy picture of contact dermatitis on his feet. Apparently he saw that one coming.
He's also a web designer, music teacher, nutrition counselor, piano tuner, and astrologer.
There's about 60 plus "essays" on his site, too, about everything from the pleasures of marijuana to the results of his DNA test. Every single page mentions his IQ or links to his music page. Don't even bother.
Jack of all trades, master of absolutely jack shit.
Monday, September 11, 2006
I'm still not better, yet.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
or
That's A Selling Point?
They call it "Airborne Formula." Supposedly, it cures colds faster than blank cures blank and, get this, was invented by a schoolteacher. A second grade schoolteacher. I know, because the bottle says so in big bold letters. As does the website.
Honestly, I'm thrilled. Fuck modern pharmaceuticals. I want a cold pill created by a grey-templed matron who remembers the hand motions that accompany "Little Bunny Foo Foo" with greater accuracy than her own phone number.
Well, wouldn't you know it - I fall ill as can be, and Zack's got a little tube of the stuff in the glove compartment of his Mirage. They're effervescent tablets. At the first sign of a cold, you're supposed to drop them in a small amount of water and drink the resulting murky, piss-colored concoction.
The ones that I've got are "Zesty Orange" flavor, which is French for "spoiled wine-cooler." They also come in Lemon-Lime, Grapefruit, and Dry-heaved Bile flavors so you can mix it up now and again.
At this point I'm willing to try anything. I've taken 3 of them so far today, and no sign that they're helping yet. At least I've ingested my daily recommended dose of vitamin C - 48 times over, in fact. Cheers.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
