Monday, August 28, 2006
or
If I Only Had A Dick
Wow. If there's one thing that this public prank has taught me, it's that I'm fucking hot. Even if I had a functional penis between my legs, I would never lack for ass. I received 82 earnest responses from craigslist ALONE. And get this - the ad wasn't even up for a full 24 hours before Craigslist sent me this email:
Your posting has been removed by the craigslist community.
Several craigslist readers flagged it for being inappropriate as posted.
Approximately 98% of postings removed by flagging are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines and/or terms of use:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/terms.of.use.html
After reviewing your posting and our policies, if you are convinced that your posting was one of the 2% that are unfairly flagged, feel free to repost.
The flagging system is a work-in-progress, with all the pros and cons of a democracy - Please post ideas for improvement in our feedback forum.
Sorry for the hassle! and thanks for your understanding.
If you missed the original ad, check out the blog post before this one for a rehash.
Anyhow, it seems that this country has a severe, yet unseen, prejudice against rice cakes. First Ebay, now Craigslist. The ACLU should hear about this.
Anyhow, I promised you responses, gentle readers, and by god you shall have them! For your enjoyment, I have sorted through the 82 emails that strained my inbox for the best pull quotes and attached photos. By and large, the responses fell into one of five categories:
"I do have some chest hair , and would love to feel it rubbing against your back after my tongue has explored every INCH of you! "
"I would be more than happy to show you around and take you out to dinner sometime. I am also as hairy as a grizzly. PS I am open to ricecakes!"
""Can't say I am that into rice cakes, but I do have a hairy chest."
"what part of town" (That's it. No punctuation. No greeting.)
"if you reply and can prove u r 4 real" (Again, that's it. No punctuation or greeting or anything.)
"hey i'm a blk male 39 want to hit it with you whats up"
"hi..you cute ..silly..rice cakie..maybe you'd like a spankie..(corny)".
"I'm nice guy 30.
Looking for gilr like you.
kiss Tom"
"hey im 21 m houston looking to get leaseured and pleasure u i will suck u off
and u suck me off call me 832 ###-#### kris im down anytime u are just let me
knwo im 6 foot brn hair brn eyes built and tan my cock is 7 1/2 thick let me
knwo i think we can have some fun call me or text me asap"
"Hello young lady,i love your lilly white skin and red hair,the choke collar is nice too!I would love to feel your back against my hairy chest and i will eat rice cakes until we explode!"
"ricecake friendly here . . . any cake friendly here."
"forgive me if this is a stupid question, but is "ricecake" a code word for something else? if not, then i'd
say yes, i like rice cakes. if yes, then could you tell me what it means?"
"we should get together sometime. I have a beard and can eat some ricecakes."
"Interesting concept, with the rice cakes, honey.. I'd say that with such a pretty face, and lovely description of yourself, I could watch you enjoy an entire pack of those cakes ;)"
"Ricecakes are about the sexiest things in the world. Very kinky. Tell me though, how do you feel about tofu? Ever done anything like that before?"
"Hey, saw your ad, you're a pretty girl. Perhaps we could get together sometime and eat a ricecake or something."
"I am serious, but what do you mean by rice cake friendly?"
"i am fit and attractive, have an advanced degree and love rice cakes."
"maybe im missing something,,just not getting the RICE CAKE thing,,,i mean who doesnt like them... "
"M/F couple
He: Could do ricecakes
She: No meat, and really likes them
Interested in a couple? Bi female, vertatile male?"
"You're so sexy...Interested in coming to Seattle? If not, I'd love to fly you here or meet U in Houston. Are U seeking LTR? I'm serious about moving? Please let me know...ok? (100%-clean and neg) I know just what you need and I can give it to you!
Max (and I'm very RC friendly w/ hairy chest too.)"
"Ever consider having your own website, or maybe posing for a tranny
amateur website? Let me know your thoughts"
"i'm 25 m in the army and was hoping we could have some fun together. I'm 5 10 170, with a hairy chest. I'm up for anything, and everything. i live in sugar land and hope to hear from you." (First off, if he lives in Sugarland, he's a member of the RESERVES. Nice try, baby. Second, he could get in some serious shit for messing around with a Tranny. The only government authorized sex act that soldiers can perform is hetero missionary position. No lie.)
"your hair reminds me of jimmy urine from mindless self indulgence . . . oh and btw RICE CAKES KICK ASS!"
"i'm a rice cake friendly, 30 yr old, 6'4" tall, white guy who loves transgirls. i don't like the term passable but u truly are better than that"
"am 38 white male 5’ 11” 190lbs good build with 8” cock I am looking for Transsexual to have sexual encounters with on a regular basis and we can talk and email it will never get more serious as I am married if you reply I will send body pic." (Ladies take note - this man is hitched. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many married men fool around on Craigslist.)
"Happened to come across your ad on CL and wanted to drop in a line and let you know that I am completely smitten by those pics and that you are absolutely gorgeous. I am 5 11" 180lbs, blk/brw, discreet, d/d free professional male and would love to meet you and treat you like a lady. I know you must have gotten tons of reply but consider this one special.."
"Something tells me that you're probably getting about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like "Hi, I'm freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have five delinquent kids...but the good news is that I have a good chance at finally getting a job..." etc. In any event, I'm 39, have my life together, and I'm more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you better like to laugh."
"I’m 6’6” white male with an athletic body. After playing D-1 Football I traveled for 2 years around the world." (Um, good for you? Your fans would love to get ahold of this email.)
"25 gender nurtual genderfucksed male with transgender issues in housotn area openminded, loves gothic emo punk metal hair bands new wave alt rock"
"Never done this before, but if u can have me today I would enjoy cumming in
u...Let me know if u can squeeze a good man in.... "
"While I haven't eaten many rice cakes, I'd do just about anything to slide into you my hairy cock. Overall hairy male here who loves that red hair."
"i am 5'8 blonde gren 165 6 cut LOL nothin special but would kill to feel your tongue"
"I want to see pics of ur body with ur tally wacker... he he he he"
THE PIC PARADE!
The t-shirt says it all. Hair factor: 0
Hair factor: 2
Hair factor: 3
Hair factor: 0
Hair factor: 8.74
If you look like Jabba the Pediphile, at least have the decentcy to put your toilet seat down for your personals response pic.
This dude isn't much better. It is obvious that in the original photo, he was tete a tete with a blonde female. Note the slender hand on his shoulder and cascading waves that sneak into the frame. I guess he recently cut her out of his life.
This is probably one of the worst paste jobs, ever. Either that, or Indiana Jones is a tranny chaser.
"This is me," said the email. The responder did not specify whether s/he was the male or the female. My money's on the leering old man.
Nothing is more alluring than a mugshot style portrait, underlit by the rancid glow of a 15" monitor.
This man has possibly the worst taste in the entire world. Not to mention that the enormous bouquet looks like it's springing out of his skull.
Guess what he's been doing on company time.
Every day is Halloween for Doctor Frankenfurter.
That's all, folks!
Hey boys!
This model-pretty, 100% passable transgirl is in search of a loving gentleman age 18 to 36, with a similar interest in puffed rice products. White, black, asian, latino - it doesn't matter, as long as you're RICECAKE FRIENDLY. Hopefully, you're in decent shape. Body hair is a plus. There's nothing I love more than a warm, hairy, masuline chest against my smooth, lily white back. If you have a hairy chest, please reply with pics.
Wine me, dine me, and take me back to your hotel for the wildest fellatio of your life. Just look at my cushiony lips and 7.3cm long tongue. Can you imagine? God, if only there were two of me, I'd go fuck myself.
Like I said, I'm totally passable - all body hair removed, post-op chest, pre-op genitalia. Yeah, that means I still have a John Thomas. Hope you don't mind. 5'7", white skin, red hair.
Somebody please drop me a line. I just moved to Houston and I'm so very, very lonely. Come give me a squeeze! Remember - YOU MUST BE RICE CAKE FRIENDLY. Pics MUST come with your reply, or I won't give you the time of day. Real people only, please.
or
Placebo's 2006 US Tour
I used to make fun those star-struck people who keeled over at the slightest mention of their idol. Karma's a bitch. I found out today that Placebo is coming to the US this fall, with She Wants Revenge as the opening band. And you know what? I cried. I fucking cried.
If you're interested in the tour dates, just hop on their myspace page.
Alas, they aren't coming to Texas, so it looks like Zack and I will be making a pilgramage. The three shows we're looking at are Denver, Chicago, and Minneapolis (we have friends in each of those cities who might be good enough to come along to the show, and maybe even put us up for the night.
Oh my GOD. OH my FUCKING GOD. I thought I was going to have to hit the UK to get my fix . . .
Friday, August 25, 2006
or
Crazy Beautiful Transgirl Seeks Ricecake Stud
It is a sad and desperate thing, gentle readers, that my ebay ad was removed before the bidding closed. I was so hoping to make $2.50 off of my partially used foodstuffs. Too bad, also, that the bidding war raged exclusively between my husband and my mother.
But no matter. The cake has RETURNED. And this time, it is stronger, sleeker, sassier.
And it has a penis. Or should I say, I have a penis. Such is the magic of Craigslist. Thank god for the internet!
As always, gentle readers, I shall keep you abreast of any replies that reach my inbox, along with whatever pictures the eligable bachelors have sent along as well. Poor fools. I hope they understand the full extent of what "Ricecake Friendly" means.
For now, we play the waiting game . . .
Monday, August 21, 2006
or
Special Brownies Work Better
I know what all of you are thinking. If you put it in someone's drink, they'll be knighting Sir Thomas* for the longest 5 hours of their life.
Well, you're wrong.
I was only recently exposed to this urban legend, but apparently it's a bit of a chestnut. Who'da thunk. Something as simple and seemingly innocuous as Visine eye drops could, under the right circumstances, become the middle finger of justice. It sounds too good to be true, and it is.
Ladies and gentle readers, if you would be so kind as to direct your attention to Snopes.com.
If you're too fucking lazy, here's the gist (emphasis added):
One thing tetrahydrozoline has NOT been known to do is to cause sudden onset bouts of severe diarrhea. Although this belief has been around for decades, and everyone knows someone who knows someone who really did administer a Visine mickey to a deserving miscreant and thereby caused him an immediate serious case of the trots, there's no documented evidence the product would have that effect. Of the Visine poisoning cases studied by medical observers, we found none that mentioned diarrheal output brought about by the drug.
Yet if Visine doesn't cause diarrhea, it has done things far more terrible. Drinking it can (and has) caused severe depression of the central nervous system. In 1996, a two-year-old child who ingested at most 2 to 3 mL of Visine eye drops became dangerously lethargic and unresponsive to every stimulus except deep pain. Thanks to prompt medical attention the child recovered, but not before enduring intubation and two days' worth of mechanically-assisted breathing.
So there you go, merry pranksters. Best ye stick with the Ex-Lax chocolate brownies. Sure, it takes a little more time, but nothing warms the heart like homemade revenge, baked from scratch. Peace.
*Sir Thomas Crapper, according to popular myth and legend, invented the flush toilet as we know it. Like many widely-known facts, this claim is erroneous. But that's neither here nor there.
or
Road Trip II: The Lost Deposit
I know, I know. Excuses run thin when I don't update. But my jet-set life is just too damned busy to find time to placate my gentle readers. So don't look at me like your momma don't feed you. Neh.
Here. Watch this video. It sure as hell cheered me up.
But seriously. Central Texas has got to be one of the most inhospitable places in North America. This time of year, I can feel the radiation from the sun pan-frying my carefully preserved pallor to a bloody char. So I stay indoors. Away from the dust and the light and the wood ants. And cacti. Everyone's lawn has turned a fine shade of butter yellow. I sometimes fantasize about what a crate of carefully placed fireworks would do to the neighborhood.
Those of you up Saint Louis way should be prepared for my visit at the end of the month. Zack should be a free man by then, so we're in for a wee vacation. What better place than my old scampering ground? That, and I'm gonna try to get my deposit back on my vacant appartment. Stupid sublet. Anyhow, there'd better be some good parties. Someone with initiative should throw me an underwear party.
I like my chardonnay chilled to exactly 45 degrees F, and my quiche low-fat, no salt added. You're too kind.
Monday, August 14, 2006
or
Titty Bar Taxonomy
Honestly, gentle readers, you can't beat the thrill of a good moniker - whether it's yours or not. Taught names just aren't cool any more. Think of the greats. Double-oh-seven. Blackbeard. P. Diddy. JLo.
That's why I love strip clubs (well, one of the reasons); the girls get to pick their own stage names. You can learn a lot about a gal by her choice of stage name. Most stick to what they know - names that, like their tits, seem false and overtly sexual. Others opt for personas. And a rare few actually make a pun out of it. Seeing as I go to a strip club just about every weekend, I've compiled quite a list of aliases, which I now present to you for your reading pleasure.
Mircette - I had the opportunity to talk to her for a while, and to be sure, she's a clever gal. She adopted the name of her favorite birth control. I like a subtle pun.
Star - Must have something to do with the comet tattooed on her bikini line.
Malibu - Got the whole hawaiian thang goin' on. Flower behind the ear and whatnot.
Bambi Butterfield - not a stripper (yet), but rather the name of a girl in my third grade class. Wow. I wonder if she'll go into the family business.
Simone - Funny story about this one. I might have already written it, but here goes. She gave me the lapdance of a lifetime and smelled like heaven on earth, although I couldn't quite place the perfume. Not three days later, my boyfriend's grandparents gave me an easter gift of Victoria's Secret apple scented lotion. The minute I put some on, I couldn't help but smile. I'd recognize that scent anywhere.
Jedi - Waaayyy too I-spend-15-hours-a-day-in-a-STARWARS-Web-Forum to be even remotely sexy. I bet she picks her teeth with a warcraft figurine.
Fire - unimaginative and stupid. If flame imagery is your bag, why not Blaze? Or Ember? Pyro? That's right. I forgot. She's only got a 4th grade education.
Saber - Nothing says "Pimpled, dimpled, D and D lovin' social outcast" like a stage name that doubles as a weapon for your Level 7 Barbarian.
Destiny, Diamond, Misty, Amber, Lexus, Tiffany, Kiki, etc. - come on, gals. Be original!
Britney - there's something about this name that implies "Daddy's little princess." Or maybe "Will give head for tennis bracelet."
Trinity - Don't. Even. Ugh.
Fantasia, Sensation, Paradise, Flawless - I happen to be a fan of these. They're rediculous and over the top, so you don't feel bad about fantasizing about the poor girl. Except for Flawless. Come on, who are you kidding, baby? You've had 3 kids.
Rain, Storm, Sky, Summer, Winter, Snow - holy shit! Better check the weather. Heavy grinding with a chance of showers.
Scarlet - (the harlot) absolutely perfect. Very cool gal. Probably the most awesome, intelligent, sexy stripper out there. Great sense of humor. A redhead, of course.
Monday, August 07, 2006
or
That's Not A Vagina, Mate. THIS Is A Vagina!
Some of my more observative readers have noticed that my auction no longer exists. It's over. And I'm sad to announce that there is no winner, because ebay removed the listing prematurely. Apparently, the item violated Ebay's selling policies. Whoops. I broke a rule. Darn those things.
Hey, look! A china shop! *paw and snort*
But seriously, ladies, you need to do something about those protruding inner labia, because no man short of an overweight, blind hermaphrodite is going to want to plunge anything into that roast beef. Seriously.
According to the Vagina Institute:
The nature of vaginas, not all vaginas are created equal. With data analysis, we have been able to discover many interesting things related to the female reproductive organ.
The site seems to exist solely for the purpose of amplifying women's insecurity about their genitals. Which I think is a good thing. Self-acceptance is the first step down the slippery slope to obsolescence. None of us are getting any younger, after all.
They've taken some opinions from the menfolk - "What's good for the gander ... She can't be all bitchin' at me just 'cause she's got a garbage bag for a vagina. I mean, I'm only one soup-can thick. She's got to help out a little too."
As well as a few comments from the offending sex - "I don't like my vagina. It didn't bother me to much before, but now that I have to worry about other people seeing it, it’s another thing I have to be self-conscious about. Other people's reactions really influence what I think, which explains why it didn't bother me before but now it does. The lips are too big and floppy."
Oh my god. Is my pussy too big? Is it ugly? How would I even know?
Luckily, there's a whole sidebar of links devoted to such research. Aren't you curious what "interesting things" they found?
Vaginal appearance is extremely important in our culture. To be a woman, means that you should have beauty in shape and form. This includes the shape and form of your most intimate body part as it is the epiphany of your femininity. The ideal beauty for female genitalia is based on having perfectly developed inner vaginal lips or labia minora that are smoothed and even with symmetric length. The inner vaginal lips should “not protrude” past the outer lips and should have a light color tone towards pink or different shades based on your ethnicity.
The outer lips or labia majora should be full and pouty; both the right and left outer lips should be the same size with the same shape. This is what defines the overall shape of your genitalia. The color of the outer lips should be about the same color tone as the rest of your body with slight shade differences. The hood of the clitoris should be small and just cover the clitoris without excessive skin. The mons pubis should be well placed with an overall nice shape to it. Nothing sagging or drooping as that would make it unattractive. . . .
When the inner lips protrude past the outer lips, they look unappealing. As most people like to look at a neat and tidy vaginas. They represent the ideal standard and have a feminine appeal to them . . .
. . . Some vaginas or female genitals even have a look like they have teeth. This when seen by an intimate partner can be quite frightening and more so if the lights are dim and shadows are appearing around the teeth like lips. Part of the fear given through myth is that a vagina like this will bite his manhood off. However, reality is that your partner might think that you are abnormal or have some disease, which caused your vaginal lips to take on a deformed look.
And let us not forget: "The appearance of female genitalia is extremely important in our society. In essence, to have an ugly vagina is almost the same as being an outcast."
Ouch.
And then they try to sell you a subscription to an online book about "a natural way to improve the aesthetics and beauty of your vagina, a natural alternative to surgical enhancement."
Damnit. In truth, surgery is probably the only way to go.
