Bear's Den. 7.30pm. And everyone is trying to get in the sack Asian schoolgirls.
Alan and I take one of the booths on the far wall and tuck into our discount pizza and burrito (The cashier likes us and only charged $5.00 total for what should be $8.00 worth of overpriced crud. Not to mention our shopping bag filled with milk, bananas, veggie wrap, and other assorted goodies for later - which she gave to us for FREE.) In the booth behind us sat a jewish boy and his cornered asian schoolgirl prospect. And oh, how he strove to impress her.
Yes, there's nothing like a one-sided conversation to make an Asian co-ed wetter than a blind lesbian in a fishmarket. Really, I should have taken notes. He seduced her with highly innaccurate historical facts and boasted of his fascinating (at least by his standards) Russian ancestry. World trade and religion followed, with the nature of divinity bringing up the rear. The schoolgirl seemed remotely receptive.
Until he mentioned Jesus. Slowly, her body language shifted. Her arms crossed and feet pointed towards the nearest exit. She crumpled up her unfinished sandwich in its brown paper wrapper and glanced nervously at her watch. The boy grew fevered and began to discourse even louder. At this point, Alan and I began to translate his didactic bullshit for our own amusement:
"He performed MIRACLES, they tell you in scripture." -----> "Can I smell your panties?"
But luck was with her; in the nick of time, the Bear's Den staff politely asked them to leave. Closing time. The sudden appearance of a stern black gentleman over his right shoulder spooked the boy, and he leapt up, hurled his trash into the barrel, and made haste to the glass double doors.
Saved by the staff!
***
Meanwhile, Special K had plunked down in our booth with a ratty looking Asian girl in tow. Apparently, she met him this very day in Malinkrodt center. In case I haven't mentioned the sketchy motherfucker prior to this entry, Special K is the first person I've ever known to practice sleaze as an art-form. At least, he acts that way every time he's around a woman.
For your reading pleasure, I have outlined his seduction tactics in the following numbered list:
1. Observe beleaguered Asian in next booth. Make snide comment about how girls aren't agressive enough these days, thereby goading target into being agressive.
2. Impress target with extensive (emperical?) knowledge about STD's. Especially the clap.
3. Wine and dine target at IHOP. (happened this morning. Alan and I heard it in passing conversation)
4. Tell target that she needs to eat more calories.
5. Boast about how your absentee father runs off to Canada on dog-sledding trips instead of spending time with you and building your character.
6. Invite yourself and target to Alan's room. (DENIED!)
Surefire loving tonight!
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