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shiny objects

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


It all started with an insatiable craving for Alan's gourmet cheese spread. Usually, I don't yearn for clotted milk products, but for some inexplicable reason, I HAD to have it. On baby carrots. NOW.

Alan protested. Little did I know that he had sworn a holy oath to keep his Cuba Cheese company sharp cheddar and horseradish cheese spread from the cruel depredation of my fiendish carrots. Especially after last time, when I made a sizable dent in the tub.

So I bribed him. You give me cheese spread now, and I'll buy you 2 new ones later. Knowing that I am a woman of my word (and would probably beg him for more cheese later, make the same offer, and redouble his stash yet again), he agreed.

We ordered replacement cheese-nectar ambrosia paste online together. At some point during the order form, we had the option of adding a gift-card message. I almost passed it up, but Alan stopped me and said, "You know that someone has to hand-write or type that, right?" He thought we might as well give them something to laugh at.

So I devised a message:

Dear Ivanna,

Even though we've been divorced for 7 years, I still consider this our 20th anniversary. I just wanted you to know that when I think of you, I think of sharp, horseradish-flavored cheese spread. Here's looking at you, kid!

Love, 'Lil Pone

And sure enough, 1 week later, the cheese arrived with a hand-written card inside the box!


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