I ...
Am: - sticky
- made of trillions of cells
- mean as a hornet going through menopause
Am not: - afraid to participate in amateur night at the strip club
- my brother's keeper
- satisfied with only 16 colors of crayon
Want: - to bite off more that I can chew
- America to legalize marijuana
- to dye my eyebrows blue
Have: - no idea what's going on
- glowstix
- ghonaherpesyphilaids. Damn those Saigon whores!
Wish: - that I could magically remove stains by staring at them
- for whirled peas
- that the fucking rabid squirrel who lives outside my bedroom window would stop breaking into my room while I'm sleeping.
Hate: - HipHop, Rap, and Country music
- that guy who almost ran me over this morning while I was walking
- spiders and those fucking panda bears
Miss: - universe
- understanding
- creant
Fear: - teratomas (TUMORS WITH TEETH AND HAIR IN THEM! God, please spare my precious ovaries!)
- clergymen
- The Village People
Hear: - the lambs; they're screaming!
- my own teeth grinding
- doof, doof, doof, doof, doof doof doof doof doof-doof-doof-doof! TweedleTWEET! TweedleTWEET! doof, doof . . .
Search: - For the perfect martini
- my sole
- my sock drawer
Wonder: - if there is unintelligent life out there
- how long my back is going to last before it gives out
- why a latte costs $3.50
Regret: - saying all those little things I knew would piss him off
- thinking I was so fat when I was so very very very thin
- not punching her lights out sooner
Love: - Bombay Saphire
- Wild Turkey Russel's Reserve
- my ducky
Am always: - unsatisfied
- tired
- worried
Am not always: - welcome
- friendly
- in my right mind
Dance: - as hard and as long as I can
- with glowsticks
- dance revolution
Sing: - the harmony, never the melody
- lower than most women
- only when I'm drunk, seducing someone, or think that no one can hear me
Cry: - at inopportune moments
- when I can't get my way
- during movies
Write: - to live and live to write
- bad poetry
- worse short stories
Won: - your mother's pinnafore during a brandy-fueled game of "strip poker"
- a fat scholarship or three
- a few hearts here and there
Lost: - my first two loves
- to that damned cigarette smoking CHIMP!
- a few languages
Confuse: - the damn squares
- my parents
- wasabi with guacamole only once
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