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shiny objects

Thursday, June 09, 2005


Of course you know, this means war, squirrels. War, I say! And it's your own fucking fault for coming into my room in the first place.

The first night I spent at Mr. Morris's boarding house, I woke at dawn to a rustling noise coming from the window. I opened one eye slightly and spied a squirrel munching through a bag of my precious soy crisps. "FUCKER!" I screamed. The squirrel let out a shriek of its own and darted out the window without a screen.

My room has no air conditioning. The only way to keep it habitable in this summer heat is to open all the windows and turn on all the fans. Thinking that my 5am visitor probably wouldn't come back, having been screamed at and all, I left the window open again. But he did come back. He came at dawn again, rousing me from the depths of REM with his chewing. This time I threw a shoe at him. HIT! But not a good one; he scrabbled away, limping as fast as he could.

That, surely, would be the end of the squirrel's burgling career. I kept the windows shut as a precaution, despite the sweltering atmosphere caused by poor ventilation. No matter how much I suffered, I know the squirrel suffered as well. YOUR SOY CRISP DAYS OF LUXURY ARE OVER, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Nope. Last night it chewed through my fucking screen - through metal mesh! It ate right through. No problem. Grapefruit peel, banana mush, honey, squirrel droppings, and cereal everywhere.

This morning, I decided that it had to die.

So I'm going to the hardware store to buy one of those wee-beasty traps and a box of rat poison (if it kills a rat, it'll kill a bastard squirrel, says I!). I'm gonna bait the trap with poisoned peanut butter, leave the window open, and go to bed. When I wake up, I'll have myself a dead or dying squirrel in a neat, disposable container. (without the trap, it might freak out and crawl into a ventilation duct, seeking a place to die. We'd never be rid of the smell.) Repeat for 2 weeks.

WAR, MOTHERFUCKER! YA HEAR THAT YOU LITTLE BASTARD TREE RAT?


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