Thursday, July 14, 2005

Nothing sucks more, in my opinion, than a creepy landlord - except, perhaps, a creepy landlord who lives in the same house as I do. Right across the hall. And there isn't a decent lock on my door. I'm going insane.

AAAAHHHGG! Enough of this boarding house bullshit! Summer can't end too quickly.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm finicky and agist, set against the poor old fellow from the beginning. But you're fucking wrong.

For example:
- In the middle of the night, he leaves massive bowel movements in the toilet. Every morning, when I wake up for work, I have a lovely surprise waiting for me to flush! Here's the kicker: mysteriously, the toilet seat is always up! I don't want to know . . .

- He writes his name on his consumable possessions (food, shampoo, and the like). But instead of writing his whole name, or his initials, he simply writes the first four letters of his first name - PATR - in a staggering, childlike scrawl. I mean, I haven't seen print like that since kindergarten.

- He walks around in his underwear and an untied bathrobe.

- He frequently asks me if I have seen his socks.

- When I sat down to dinner tonight, he plunked down in the next chair and asked if he could join me. I curtly nodded the affirmative. He edged closer. "The worst thing about being a bachelor," he murmured, "is eating alone."

- He sleeps on the floor of his office on a blanket.

- He saves EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. Every scrap of food, every shred of paper, every fleck of foil. He has an entire cupboard of glass jars filled with dried mint leaves from his garden. Some of the jars have dates from 1996 written on the side.

- The house smells like old man.

etc, etc, etc, forever and ever.

MOMMY! Make the bad man stop!

shiny objects