j Today, gentle readers, I decided that I need a lawyer. Why? So that I can sue the Van Melle candy corporation for over a decade of psychological distress.
Mentos. Mentos have ruined my life!
I was but a child when I first witnessed a mentos commercial. A man in a business suit accidently sits on a freshly painted white bench. Oh no! Today's the big interview! What ever shall he do with those giant white stripes on his ass?
The painter certainly can't help him; he merely shrugs and shows the camera his best shit-eating grin. Whoopsy, he seems to say, accidents will happen. Especially to smug upper-middle class college graduates, like that fucker over there.
Suddenly, the businessman has a brilliant idea: he'll eat some mentos. High fructose corn syrup makes everything better. (Of course! Sugar is the answer to all of Man's woes. Why hadn't I thought of it before?)
And lo, as soon as the business man has popped a chewy mint into his mouth, he begins to roll around on the painted bench like a terrier in a dead fish factory. Aha! Now his suit is covered all over with white streaks of paint. It almost looks like cheap zebra-print fabric.
Bravo. It's always better to look tacky than to look misfortunate. Don't forget to wink and show your mentos to the camera. (That's right, bitch. You're nothing without it. NOTHING!)
At the time, this commercial didn't strike me as corny. Mentosworld is a happy world. All you need to succeed in Mentosworld is a pure heart and a tube of chewy breath mints (or, if you're in a mood to spice it up a bit, the chewy fruit flavors). It's that simple.
Even though the commercial didn't show what happened to the businessman later that day, I bet he aced the damn interview, found a 3 karat diamond ring in the street on the way home, used it to propose to his girlfriend, and had rough sex with her on the roof of their appartment building. And when the cops shined a spotlight on his bobbing white ass, he didn't panic. He just ate a mentos and trusted that serendipity would whisk his troubles away.
Life in Mentosworld makes sense.
But it doesn't exist. I know that now. No matter how many tubes of candy I consume, my life will never match the whimsical vivacity of a mentos commercial. Believe me. I've tried. And it's all XYZ corp's fault, damn their eyes.
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