Thursday, December 29, 2005
or
No Such Thing as Bad Publicity?
Well, gentle readers, 2005 is almost over. It's that time again.
Time for what, you ask? Resolutions, perhaps? Nay! Looking back on the past year, I can't say that I haven't much to regret. I change for no one. (Heh heh heh. I resolve to laugh at everything!)
But enough of that. It's time, gentle readers, for my first annual tribute to Bad Girls. And when I say Bad Girls, I don't mean girls who drink too much wine, flirt with their bosses, and jump in fountains. No. I mean the kind of Bad Girls that makes you wince and die a little on the inside. Girls who flash their true colors in full public view. Girls who - strangely enough - usually benefit from the exposure, miraculously avoid Deep Trouble, or both.
Take Courtney Love, for example.
I could go on and on about what a Bad Girl she is, but it's all old news by now. Let's just say that I was willing to forgive her, until she sold a quarter of Nirvana's song catalogue to - you guessed it - fellow Bad Girl, Martha Stewart. Booyah, baby. You've come a long way. 
Or how about 20 year old "adult-film actress" Genevieve Elise Silva? She's got some fun hobbies. For kicks, she decided to "carry on an illicit relationship" with her kid brother's high school friend. Not only that, but she gave him XTC, weed, and speed, too. Oooee. Geneviva la revolution! Where were the girls like that when I was in high school? I mean, when I was finished with my homework on a wednesday night, I had fucking nothing to do. But this high school boy here never gets bored. He comes home from orchestra practice, eats a pop-tart, and blows crystal meth off of a porn star's hip-bone. Golly!
Speaking of statutory rape, I can't help but think of the lovely Debra Lafave, former employee of Greco Middle School.
Apparently the student body considered her the "Hot Teacher." And by student body, I mean a 14 year old boy in one of her classes. Hey, I have to agree with him. She is rather cute. 
What this blonde vixen was doing with a scrawny prepubescent is beyond me. Maybe her husband has the answer. However, if I know one thing about Debra, it's that she's too pretty for prison. Even her attorney, John Fitzgibbons, thinks so. Good thing she got-off light.Unsurprisingly, Bad Girls make bad moms, too - Tiffany Eagle, for example. For some reason, Eagle (right) decided that it was a good idea to leave her infant in the car while she and her friend, Ashley Tomaszewski (left), went into a strip joint to get plastered.
Not too terrible, right? Well, yeah, unless you take the 32 degree temperature into account. And the fact that the baby was wearing only a sleeper. Good one, Girls. (Author's Note - a.k.a. "Flame Food": That's what I call natural selection. A stupid woman leaves her infant in the cold, nearly sparing the gene pool her ill-begotten chromosomes. Amazing. Thanks to modern society, children aren't killed often enough these days. The laws beg revision. In fact, I think we should let evolutionarily unfit women do whatever they want with their infants. It'd be good for the species. Think of the Eagle baby - who survived, by the way. Who knows what kind of Bad Girl she'll grow up to be? No matter which side of the nature/nurture debate you're on; that baby is fucked.)
Here's another Bad Mom for you: Silvia Johnson - local "cool mom," drug-pusher, and petty prostitute.
She told authorities that she wasn't very popular in high school; now that she's all grown up, she copes with the painful memories by holding drug-laden orgies at her house for local teens. What a role model. Now I know what it means to give back to the community.And last, my favorite Bad Girl of the year, Miss Sabrina Harman, of Abu Ghraib fame.
What a smile, eh boys?
