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shiny objects

Thursday, December 08, 2005


He Puts The Ache in Drake
or
Forget Chicken Fingers; Have Some Hung-Lo Duck


Stop the presses. Put down that danish. Pause your first-person shooter. Thell your kid sister to keep a hand on the steering wheel, and listen up. Ths could change your life.

Today I found out that the longest bird penis (that's right) in recorded history belonged to an Argentine lake duck. How long, you ask? A wangle-dangling 42.5 centimeters - or approximately 16.7 inches. See for yourself.

Some scientists theorize that the drake's ginormous wang is the product of "runaway sexual selection, where female preference drives male anatomy to ever-greater extremes, as in the peacock's tail." Others suspect that God created the drake for man's purile amusment.

The drake needs a name. I'll call him Clyde.

I suspect that Clyde was a lonely duck. Despite his magnificent endowment, he never got on well with the ladies.

Imagine that you are a female Argentine lake duck waddling around a tranquil pond, maybe dabbling in the mud a bit, turning over this leaf or that stone in search of a tender worm. The sky is blue. The hawks have been driven from their natural habitat by the local farmers. All is well.

Suddenly, Clyde come rabbling out of the bushes, dragging a botchy, cork-screw-shaped appendage nearly half a meter long. And he wants to scrub your ovaduct. Now THERE'S a mating display! Better hope that the drag on that thing keeps Clyde from flying after you! Whoo hoooo hoooooooo!

Quack.


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