Be Still My Heart
or
Absolut Bull
Seeing as school is back in session, I thought it might be appropriate to talk about one of my favorite recreational drugs: caffeine.
Gentle readers, I love energy drinks. I NEED 'em. Can't get enough of them - the "lo-carb" or sugar free ones at least (damn those pesky calories). For the record, my favorite are sugar-free Red Bull and lo-carb Monster. Sobe Sugar-free Adrenaline Rush tastes like ass. So does Sugar-free Rockstar. Bachus-F (an obscure Korean brand in a tiny 3oz bottle) is pretty good too, even though it isn't sugar free. I can't vouch for any others.
Not everyone likes energy drinks. A lot of people just don't know how good they can be. For those of you who have never tried an energy drink, I've prepared a timed transcript of my own experience with a can of sugar-free Monster at work last night. Perhaps you will find it educational.
4.29pm: First sip of monster. The soda's leukwarm temperature emphasizes its guarana flavor. It tastes kind of like fruit roll-ups. Fruit roll-ups rolled in nutrisweet (it's a LO-CARB monster). Nevertheless, my brain has come to associate the noxious taste with caffeine's quivering embrace. So I keep drinking. By the third sip, I almost enjoy it. I feel more energetic already.
4.45pm: "You gotta drink this stuff slowly, you know? Can't go too fast, or it'll make ya sick."
"Can I have some?"
"No."
4.52pm: The caffeine strikes. Oh, oh boy. I've consumed about half of the 16oz can. My nerves begin to sing and my hands become flighty. My typing accuracy suffers, but I can strike the keys at a much faster rate. My mouth tastes like sweetened bile. I love this.
5.01pm: I have a heart spasm. I decide to lay off the sauce for a few minutes.
5.08pm: Back on the sauce. And I am wiiiiide awake. Really. I couldn't open my eyes any wider if I tried. It has become difficult to stay focused on one task for very long. I find myself switching between notepad, aim, firefox, calculator, and photoshop at random. Multitasking doesn't quite cover it. I'm getting a whole lot of nothing done. And how. YEEHAW!
5.10pm: Again with the heart palpitations. Since I don't work out, I am inclined to conider this exercise. It does get my heart-rate up.
For a while, they thought red bull (and other energy drinks) were really dangerous. Apparently some dudes in Sweden died after combining red bull with strenuous exercise and/or alcohol. Sucks to be them. The current verdict is, however, that the stuff is perfectly safe. As safe as coffee, at least. And yes, you can use it as a mixer. An "Absolut Bull" is not going to kill you. Unless you drink like, 5 of them, and have an unusual sensitivity to caffeine.
5.20pm: I've consumed about 3/4 of the can. The caffeine peak has passed. In a streak of desperation, I decide to chug the remaining 4oz of cringingly sweet fluid. Gawd. Ugh.
5.25pm: Another peak washes over me. I think it would be a good idea to take my federally mandated break and skip about outside. No, maybe not. It's cold. NO, wait, it was warm today and I have a coat. No, wait, I have homework I could be doing. But I'm not doing it, am I? HAHA! No, I'm going outside and I'm going to set something on FIRE. Or not. Coffee? No thanks, I quit.
5.39pm: Sleepy.
5.41pm: AWAKE! Hands shaking like leaves. The rush feels so good. Must . . . turn to . . . French homework . . . before . . . it's too late.
7.11pm: The crash. Shuuuutting dooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. At least my homework is done. Ugh. It actually takes effort to keep from falling asleep at the desk. I wish I had another Monster.
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