shiny objects

1. My oh-so-goth boyfriend of two months made me a floppy heart-shaped valentine out of construction paper and crayola markers. That night, he attempted suicide by taking 25 tablets of asprin. It didn't work so well. He just threw up his stomach lining.



2. My boyfriend of one month and I had a respiratory flu so bad that we spent two weeks in bed, applying Vick's vapor rub to each other's chest. We forgot that it was Valentine's Day altogether.



3. I had a crush on this guy named Paul for about two years. My desire for him was overpowering. I had never wanted anything so badly in my entire life as I wanted him. I kept it secret for ages. Finally, one Valentine's Day, I got up the nerve to write him a love letter and leave it in his locker. The next morning, I saw him in the auditorium before class started. "Larkin! Come here!" he called, smiling broadly. He beckoned me into the shadows at the back of the stage. Heart pounding, I obeyed.
   
   "I got your letter a few minutes ago," he said, "and there's something I want to tell you." He put his hands on my shoulders. My mouth went dry. Would he try to kiss me? I wondered if my breath was ok. "That was the worst love letter I've ever received in my life," he said. "Your poem sucked. Your handwriting was almost unreadable. And what made you think I'd ever like you, anyway?"
   
   "I . . . I don't know," I said, stunned.
   
   "You're too fat to be pretty. You don't even have tits."
   
   I started to cry. "Don't ever bother me again," he said.
   
   So I didn't.

I had sex with a pig last night
Boy your mom sure put up a fight
She was pretty good in bed
She gave me satisfactory head

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I fucked your mom . . .

Does that mean I'm kinda like your dad?
Will it make the hair fall off my 'nads?
I had sex with a pig last night
Boy your mom sure put up a fight

What I'm trying to say is that I fucked your mom!

EVERYBODY!