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shiny objects

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


Bar Wars
or
Your Mom Has a Nut Allergy!


Finally, an energy bar/meal replacement that EVERYONE and ANYONE can eat: THE LARA BAR!

I found this little gem in a Kroger's, minding its own business in the natural foods section. Usually I buy Luna Bars for my bar and bar-related needs, so when I saw "Lara Bar" I thought, what is this, some kind of sick joke?

Yes! It is! The Lara Bar has no: added sugar, additives, preservatives, artificial colors or flavors, animal products, genetically modified ingrediants, gluten, soy, or wheat. It is also kosher, and a raw ("living") food to boot.

Finally, a snack that even your raw-foodist, strict jewish, gmo-fearing, vegal pal with celiac disease can eat. I mean seriously, anyone can eat this fucking bar! Well, unless they have a nut allergy (INGREDIENTS: . . . walnuts . . . almonds . . .) but who gives a crap about those idiots anyhow? People with nut allergies should just curl up and die right now. If you can't eat a Lara Bar, you can't participate in LIFE, man. Your very existance is unnatural.

But that's neither here nor there. I had to buy one. I was sure it would taste like crap. But I had to know for sure. So I bought one with "apple pie flavor" and disappeared into the night.

As it turns out, the Lara Bar was pretty tasty. It aliviated my hunger and, once consumed, kept my bloodsugar pretty damned even. I give it the stamp of approval. I liked it so much, in fact, that I checked out a hippie webforum topic devoted to the Lara Bar. Their complaint? It's not organic.

DOH!


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