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shiny objects

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


I'm Not Going To Mention My Cool New Hair-do
or
Those Who Can't, Bitch



*swats at nothing*

Why, you're all nothing but a pack of cards!




Gentle readers, I am afraid that I can't sleep. INSOMNIA. It's hell. It doesn't matter when I wake up, how much exercise I do, or if I take melatonin. It doesn't matter how many bourbons I drink. It doesn't matter what time zone I'm in, or what the temperature is, or if i'm hungry or not, or if I'm wearing my favorite pyjamas, or if i've meditated.

I CAN'T SLEEP!

After a few days of this, I begin to obsess over the strangest things. For example, tonight, I can't stop thinking about something a friend told me - a friend with an eating disorder. She told me "It doesn't matter what I weigh; the longer I stay a particular weight, the fatter my reflection becomes."

ANd, and like, it makes so much fuckin' sense, you know? I turn it over and apply it to myself - how the more stable I become, the more I want to change - and . . . and . . . I'm too fatigued to make the leap. I just know that a few hours of rest would turn this post into something . . . I don't know. At least something coherent.

But it's so fuckin' true, man. That's perfectionism right there. When one's highest achievement becomes standard. When one's standard becomes insufficient. When one's bad becomes ugly. There's no end. It's not even about the goal anymore, it's about the chase.

But what am I chasing? What am I hungry for?


Why can't I sleep at night?


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