Friday, April 07, 2006
or
Go For The Gold
I've found my new calling, gentle readers. I'm going to become an athelete. There is an event that I believe I'm cut out for 100%:
New to the X-games this year, EXTREME SELF-PITY promises to be a stunning success. Both judges and competators express their utmost excitement at being a part of this ground-breaking competition.
Although individuals have enjoyed extreme self-pity for millenia, the sport as we know it today developed in England during the late 1800's as an offshoot of the Gothic literary movement. The craze quickly reached every corner of the Western world. Through the early 20th century America, extreme self-pity was primarily associated with racial minority groups and isolated freaks. It wasn't until prominent subcultures during the 1980's popularized the practice that the American public began to recognize it as a legitimate athletic event.
"It's not like no one has ever done this before," says Melanie Anchonly, 33. "'I mean, I'm no one special, just because I'm competing at the X-games. Don't look at me; I'm not wearing make-up."
By 2000, high schools nation-wide began to sponsor after-school clubs for students who wished to persue extreme self-pity.
"We used to get together on Friday nights, when everyone else was out on a date or something," says Jason Wimple, 20, of his high school program. "Cause what else were we supposed to do? Those so-called 'popular' kids back then never knew how much damage they were doing. Some of us will never be the same. I know I won't. Thanks to those jackasses, I never formed a stable self-concept."
This year's X-games marks the United State's first nation-wide professional competition in Extreme Self-Pity.
Competators must participate in five sub-events to qualify for placement: Extended Fetal Position, Weeping, Freestyle Ploys for Negative Attention, Self-Destruction, and Marathon Ranting.
In the spirit of the event, drug testing has been suspended.
God, I've been practicing this for years. Where do I sign up?
