I Go Walking In The, In The Middle Of The . . .
or
Your Car Isn't The Only Thing That's Hybrid
You may or may not know, gentle readers, that I am an isomniac. Every once in a while, the sleepless nights compound into a psychotic break, and I begin to consider doing something about my affliction.
Seeing as I don't have any dicipline, medication seems like the way to go. Ambien, I thought. What about Ambien? All the cool kids are doing it. They advertise it on TV, so it must be safe, right?
Welllll apparently Ambien has a few side effects that no one could have predicted. Somnambulism, for one. Nocturnal eating for two.
One woman buttered and ate a carton's worth of cigarettes. Another consumed several pounds of raw bacon. Another said she gained 100lbs before she realized that her Ambien was making her gorge herself at night.
And let us not forget the periodic reports of Sleep Driving. Sound like a good time yet?
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The times are changing, gentle readers, and new breeds of subculture are on the rise. You have to be prepared. Luckily, I've done the research for you. While stepping out in this modern world, you should keep your eyes open for members of the following cliques:
Yippie - environmentalists with fat trust funds, successful stock portfolios, or Daddy's credit cards (how old-school!) at their disposal. Buy groceries at Trader Joes or Whole Foods, including their favorite environmentally responsible, organic, all natural toothpaste at 8 bucks a pop. Drive expensive hybrid cars to save gas. Make very gallant attempts to become one with nature, such as week-long forays into the woods with a pack full of the latest techological advances in camping. Frown upon anyone who prefers practicality to "ecological responsibility." Will bitch about the treatment of cows in commercial dairy farms, but won't lend you 50 cents to switch to soy latte.
Slackster - if it looks like a hipster, smells like a hipster, and slouches like a hipster, it is! Unless it's a slackster. Slacksters don't DO anything for a living, as opposed to nothing of consequnce. As a result, their edge is somewhat lacking. They do their best to invoke bohemian cool, but how urban chic can you be when you sleep on your parents' day-bed? NOTE: some may claim to be "writers" or "musicians," which really just means that they smoke a lot of weed. Subtle investigation will swiftly overturn the farce.
Gunk - the built-up byproduct of dark culture a la Hot Topic. A soulless amalgam of goth and punk elements. Look for the kids too young to go clubbing, wearing slogan tees with bondage pants and ten billion incoherant accessories. I am a vampire. God save the queen. Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. They lack classical make-up training. Jarringly mainstream musical taste.
Druggie Howzer - really really REALLY smart teenagers who do a LOT of illegal drugs. Take the SAT on 5 hits of acid, and pull a 1560. Can roll a joint with one hand while discussing differential equations. They know not only where to score really good Ecstasy, but what it's doing to their brain, chemically, at any given moment. Synthesize various chemicals in their kitchens. Sure, they'd be smarter if they weren't constantly killing brain cells - just as a McLaren F1 would be faster without breaks - but seriously, who's counting? Should one regard them with pity, awe, or both? In the end, Druggie Howzers inevitably propell themselves to the height of success, thereby forcing themselves to give up the lifestyle, or sink tongue-first into permanent obscurity. Would somebody please pass the hashish?
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