Monday, August 28, 2006
or
If I Only Had A Dick
Wow. If there's one thing that this public prank has taught me, it's that I'm fucking hot. Even if I had a functional penis between my legs, I would never lack for ass. I received 82 earnest responses from craigslist ALONE. And get this - the ad wasn't even up for a full 24 hours before Craigslist sent me this email:
Your posting has been removed by the craigslist community.
Several craigslist readers flagged it for being inappropriate as posted.
Approximately 98% of postings removed by flagging are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines and/or terms of use:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/terms.of.use.html
After reviewing your posting and our policies, if you are convinced that your posting was one of the 2% that are unfairly flagged, feel free to repost.
The flagging system is a work-in-progress, with all the pros and cons of a democracy - Please post ideas for improvement in our feedback forum.
Sorry for the hassle! and thanks for your understanding.
If you missed the original ad, check out the blog post before this one for a rehash.
Anyhow, it seems that this country has a severe, yet unseen, prejudice against rice cakes. First Ebay, now Craigslist. The ACLU should hear about this.
Anyhow, I promised you responses, gentle readers, and by god you shall have them! For your enjoyment, I have sorted through the 82 emails that strained my inbox for the best pull quotes and attached photos. By and large, the responses fell into one of five categories:
"I do have some chest hair , and would love to feel it rubbing against your back after my tongue has explored every INCH of you! "
"I would be more than happy to show you around and take you out to dinner sometime. I am also as hairy as a grizzly. PS I am open to ricecakes!"
""Can't say I am that into rice cakes, but I do have a hairy chest."
"what part of town" (That's it. No punctuation. No greeting.)
"if you reply and can prove u r 4 real" (Again, that's it. No punctuation or greeting or anything.)
"hey i'm a blk male 39 want to hit it with you whats up"
"hi..you cute ..silly..rice cakie..maybe you'd like a spankie..(corny)".
"I'm nice guy 30.
Looking for gilr like you.
kiss Tom"
"hey im 21 m houston looking to get leaseured and pleasure u i will suck u off
and u suck me off call me 832 ###-#### kris im down anytime u are just let me
knwo im 6 foot brn hair brn eyes built and tan my cock is 7 1/2 thick let me
knwo i think we can have some fun call me or text me asap"
"Hello young lady,i love your lilly white skin and red hair,the choke collar is nice too!I would love to feel your back against my hairy chest and i will eat rice cakes until we explode!"
"ricecake friendly here . . . any cake friendly here."
"forgive me if this is a stupid question, but is "ricecake" a code word for something else? if not, then i'd
say yes, i like rice cakes. if yes, then could you tell me what it means?"
"we should get together sometime. I have a beard and can eat some ricecakes."
"Interesting concept, with the rice cakes, honey.. I'd say that with such a pretty face, and lovely description of yourself, I could watch you enjoy an entire pack of those cakes ;)"
"Ricecakes are about the sexiest things in the world. Very kinky. Tell me though, how do you feel about tofu? Ever done anything like that before?"
"Hey, saw your ad, you're a pretty girl. Perhaps we could get together sometime and eat a ricecake or something."
"I am serious, but what do you mean by rice cake friendly?"
"i am fit and attractive, have an advanced degree and love rice cakes."
"maybe im missing something,,just not getting the RICE CAKE thing,,,i mean who doesnt like them... "
"M/F couple
He: Could do ricecakes
She: No meat, and really likes them
Interested in a couple? Bi female, vertatile male?"
"You're so sexy...Interested in coming to Seattle? If not, I'd love to fly you here or meet U in Houston. Are U seeking LTR? I'm serious about moving? Please let me know...ok? (100%-clean and neg) I know just what you need and I can give it to you!
Max (and I'm very RC friendly w/ hairy chest too.)"
"Ever consider having your own website, or maybe posing for a tranny
amateur website? Let me know your thoughts"
"i'm 25 m in the army and was hoping we could have some fun together. I'm 5 10 170, with a hairy chest. I'm up for anything, and everything. i live in sugar land and hope to hear from you." (First off, if he lives in Sugarland, he's a member of the RESERVES. Nice try, baby. Second, he could get in some serious shit for messing around with a Tranny. The only government authorized sex act that soldiers can perform is hetero missionary position. No lie.)
"your hair reminds me of jimmy urine from mindless self indulgence . . . oh and btw RICE CAKES KICK ASS!"
"i'm a rice cake friendly, 30 yr old, 6'4" tall, white guy who loves transgirls. i don't like the term passable but u truly are better than that"
"am 38 white male 5’ 11” 190lbs good build with 8” cock I am looking for Transsexual to have sexual encounters with on a regular basis and we can talk and email it will never get more serious as I am married if you reply I will send body pic." (Ladies take note - this man is hitched. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many married men fool around on Craigslist.)
"Happened to come across your ad on CL and wanted to drop in a line and let you know that I am completely smitten by those pics and that you are absolutely gorgeous. I am 5 11" 180lbs, blk/brw, discreet, d/d free professional male and would love to meet you and treat you like a lady. I know you must have gotten tons of reply but consider this one special.."
"Something tells me that you're probably getting about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like "Hi, I'm freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have five delinquent kids...but the good news is that I have a good chance at finally getting a job..." etc. In any event, I'm 39, have my life together, and I'm more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you better like to laugh."
"I’m 6’6” white male with an athletic body. After playing D-1 Football I traveled for 2 years around the world." (Um, good for you? Your fans would love to get ahold of this email.)
"25 gender nurtual genderfucksed male with transgender issues in housotn area openminded, loves gothic emo punk metal hair bands new wave alt rock"
"Never done this before, but if u can have me today I would enjoy cumming in
u...Let me know if u can squeeze a good man in.... "
"While I haven't eaten many rice cakes, I'd do just about anything to slide into you my hairy cock. Overall hairy male here who loves that red hair."
"i am 5'8 blonde gren 165 6 cut LOL nothin special but would kill to feel your tongue"
"I want to see pics of ur body with ur tally wacker... he he he he"
THE PIC PARADE!
The t-shirt says it all. Hair factor: 0
Hair factor: 2
Hair factor: 3
Hair factor: 0
Hair factor: 8.74
If you look like Jabba the Pediphile, at least have the decentcy to put your toilet seat down for your personals response pic.
This dude isn't much better. It is obvious that in the original photo, he was tete a tete with a blonde female. Note the slender hand on his shoulder and cascading waves that sneak into the frame. I guess he recently cut her out of his life.
This is probably one of the worst paste jobs, ever. Either that, or Indiana Jones is a tranny chaser.
"This is me," said the email. The responder did not specify whether s/he was the male or the female. My money's on the leering old man.
Nothing is more alluring than a mugshot style portrait, underlit by the rancid glow of a 15" monitor.
This man has possibly the worst taste in the entire world. Not to mention that the enormous bouquet looks like it's springing out of his skull.
Guess what he's been doing on company time.
Every day is Halloween for Doctor Frankenfurter.
That's all, folks!
