Monday, September 18, 2006
or
What You Talkin' 'Bout, Archure?
The man, the musician, the ARCHURE. Actual photo. Note: meth addiction. Either that, or he removed his red-eye with Microsoft Paint.
On a recent google search regarding the specific IQ ranges that correspond to the terms "idiot," "moron," and "imbicile," I stumbled into one of the greatest asses of our century. Ladies and gentlereaders, I give you Will Chris Holly, a showroom photographer from Las Vegas. "I have studied 'Body Language' (a branch of psychology) for many years," he says, "and use it to enhance my customers image, their relations, their pride, and their memories."
To see what Mr. Holly can do for your image, check out this REAL CUSTOMER PHOTO:
"Seigfried and Roy" only lasts one night, but bad genes are forever.
He also calls himself "Archure." Although the lexical origins of "Archure" are unclear, Mr. Holly has taken the time to protect his intellectual property by acquiring a registered trademark.
But there is more to him than meets the eye! For starters, Archure has a "very high IQ," and he loves to tell you at every chance he gets. Pick a page, any page. Archure wants you to know that he's one of the chosen ones. He just can't let it go. He even lists his IQ as one of his professional credentials. You can find a full explanation of his genius here. I'm particularly fond of his fervent attempts to defend his low proctored IQ test scores in the face of his somewhat higher self-tested IQ scores. *Cough*
For those of you with an IQ lower than Archure's, I'll throw you a few excerpts:
My CTMM score is not an accurate estimate of my actual IQ, as I was became sick/ill during the testing. DETAILS: Mensa gave the Cattel B followed by the CTMM to a group of applicants (including me), I had been fasting for a day or two, but during the break, I was thirsty and hungry, they served Doughnuts and there was a Soda Machine (but no diet sodas). In short, I consumed so much sugar (after fasting, and typically avoiding sugar products), that I was having a high Glycemic reaction, with my arms and hands physically shaking, also, due to the large amount of liquids consumed (lots of water prior to the test, followed by 2 sodas during the break), I requested permission to use the restroom during the test, denied, and I was squirming. All of this hampered me greatly during the CTMM test, resulting on a drastically lower score (still far above average, in spite of all my suffering, squirming, and shaking from a Glycemic overload) . . .
PREVIOUS SCHOOL TESTS HAD ME IN THE 99% (top 1%), but those records are currently unobtainable . . .
My Mendocino High School Transcript lists me as IQ = 99 (which is the percentile, but due to a clerical error on their part, which I have never been able to rectify, the word "Percentile" is omitted from my transcript).
. . . I am obviously not a 99 IQ person. I obviously have a 99th percentile IQ.
.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO I.Q. TEST ME? That's FINE by me. You can have a qualified Psychologist test me, or a qualified Proctor test me, or you can save money and get some I.Q. tests from Book Stores (if they don't have them, they can order them), or you can pull IQ Tests off the Net (search engine). I.Q. Test me, I.Q. Test your staff, Test yourself. HIGH I.Q. PEOPLE DO BETTER SOLUTIONS.
But use an IQ TEST, as I.Q. is not a test of knowledge, a Math or English test will not do. Guessing as to how much coin change you have in your pocket is not an IQ test, not a test of Reasoning ability.
Also, his discussion of what "genius" really means:
I have a high 147 IQ, honor grad, honor society education (and I study on my own, past college), my abilities in the work place have for the most part been overlooked and unused.
Upon hearing of my high IQ, many have view it as a threat to their power (or potential power), often reacting with anger.
'GENIUS' also means 'an extraordinary ability in a specific field.' This usually being due to a high IQ to begin with, combined with a natural born talent in a specific field, with years of hard work, study, and effort applied. In my case, I am a 'Musical Genius'."
Are you now, Archure? Me thinks he protesteth too much. But as I always say, the proof is in the pablum. So why don't we have a look at his work, eh?
The moment I arrived at his main music page, I was accosted by "Moon in Pisces". Atonal electronica doesn't even begin to cover it. It sounds like someone fast forwarding a Pink Floyd CD. And not in a good way. Similarly, "Moon in Ares" , an example of Archure's Soul Rock Fusion, reminds me of the demos on the Casio keyboard I got for my birthday in '89, sans rhythm.
Lord only knows what Archure means by "Carribean" style music. If a native Caribbean ever listened to this faggoty romp through MIDI hell, he'd jump out the window of a highrise skyscraper and slit his throat with the broken glass on the way down.
And speaking of the Black Man, it's a good thing Jimi Hendrix is dead. This "tribute" makes me want to choke on my own vomit.
Which brings us to "Hang 11", the first vocal track of my listening set. For those of you who find yourselves too faint of stomach to stand the emotional torment of Archure's foray into Surf Rock, allow me to transcribe Archure's heart-wrenching lyrics:
Checking out the beach for bikini babes
Going out surfing - it's a brand new craze
Watch me ride on ten-foot waves
For you . . .
Want to make Archure's dischordant baying your own? He offers voice lessons for a hundred bucks a pop.
"Etherial," another vocal track, showcases Archure's unique ability to sour any, and every, word in the english language.
But honestly gentle readers, don't stop there. Archure has over a HUNDRED original mp3's and midis available for FREE on his website. And get this:
PERMISSION GRANTED to play Archure's songs from this page, on the air (TV or Radio), during 2006 and 2007, only if you include full credit info "Music written and performed by ARCHURE" clearly (so that most people can understand), AND include the proper spelling of "ARCHURE" (clearly); verbal credit must pronounce it "ARCHER" AND "spell it out" verbally A-R-C-H-U-R-E.
Don't worry Archure. No one would dare take credit for your music. You're too smart!
Still haven't had enough Archure? I know I haven't. Don't miss his monthly non-profit astrological forecasts. This month's forecast includes a sexy picture of contact dermatitis on his feet. Apparently he saw that one coming.
He's also a web designer, music teacher, nutrition counselor, piano tuner, and astrologer.
There's about 60 plus "essays" on his site, too, about everything from the pleasures of marijuana to the results of his DNA test. Every single page mentions his IQ or links to his music page. Don't even bother.
Jack of all trades, master of absolutely jack shit.
